


Too Late

by deaneatscake



Series: codas and stuff [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean's not in a good place, Depression, Episode: s13e01 Lost and Found, Hopelesness, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 22:43:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12617200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deaneatscake/pseuds/deaneatscake
Summary: For years now, the words “too late” had been the only thing keeping Dean sane.





	Too Late

For years now, the words “too late” had been the only thing keeping Dean sane.

He remembered the first time he heard these words - when he was still pressing Sam close to his body, when his father looked at him with grim determination and said: “It’s too late, son”. Back then he didn’t quite know what that meant - only that it was something irrevocable, something that would change his life forever.

Since then the purpose of the words had changed, but not their meaning.

For years now, the words “too late” had been the only thing keeping Dean from bursting, keeping him from spilling  _everything_ \- from his littlest insecurities to his biggest fears - because he had to be strong for Sam. He had to be strong for  _everyone_.

And how could he possibly be that when he would suddenly admit all the things that kept him up at night?

So he kept quiet. He never told  _anyone_ how he felt - and when Cas came around, well. Dean certainly was no stranger to meaningless sex, but Cas - Cas had been different. So the only thing that made him able to keep going was the constant reassurances.

“It’s too late for a _please stay_ ,” he thought when Cas flew back to heaven after Sam jumped into the cage.

“It’s too late for a  _come back_ ,” he thought when he kicked the now human Cas out of the bunker.

The last thing to keep him sane was the thought “It’s too late for an _I love you_ ” when he could only stare at Cas in horror, dying in front of him, unable to say something. Because really, he couldn’t have said something later, could he now?

Cas had been fine in the end, right, and it was too late to say something, it had been  _for years_  -

He always comforted himself with the knowledge that this was necessary to keep Cas; it was too late to change their relationship, but Cas could still be  _there_ , and Dean would always take what he could get - he wasn’t picky.

But the truth was, years of denial and self-loathing hadn’t prepared him for this moment. While staring into the fire and seeing Cas burn he realized that the words “too late” actually had lost their meaning somewhere along the way - because it had never really been too late. He had all the opportunities in the world to tell Cas how he felt - he just didn’t use them. Whether it was because he was a coward or just a total fuck-up; it didn’t matter now.

Because now it really was too late. Cas was dead, and he wouldn’t come back this time. All the words he had carefully bottled up for years, they were useless now that he wanted to cry them from the rooftops.

He had never considered himself a lucky man before; he had also never been one for proverbs, but he really only now realized what he had - or could have had, rather - now that it was gone.

And he had never expected the words “too late” to hurt that bad.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [tumblr](https://deaneatscake.tumblr.com/)  
> [reblobbable version](https://deaneatscake.tumblr.com/post/166388637108/13x01-coda)


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